What You Didn’t Know About Negative Self-Talk (and what to do about it)
Your self-perception can turn on a dime and cause you to feel a lack of control if you “buy-in” to a negative thought.
Almost every patient who comes to me in my private practice is struggling with some type of negative self-beliefs and negative self-talk. What started as a way to perhaps motivate themselves or ensure they keep a strong moral compass (examples: “I should have applied for more jobs”, “everyone must think I’m lazy so I need to prove them wrong,”) becomes a major downfall and keeps them from reaching their goals. These negative inner monologues may become even more permanent by becoming persistent, negative beliefs about themselves in general and applied to most or all situations in their life (examples: I’m not worthy, I’m unlovable, I’m incapable). They struggle with poor self-image, low self-worth, and think that their ideal self is likely to go unrealized in their lifetime.
These deep-seated, strongly held negative self-beliefs can usually be traced back to their early childhood experiences. Many of these negative self-beliefs represent their greatest fears about how others might see them. What’s even more challenging is that these negative self-beliefs act as self-fulfilling prophecies: We’re convinced that we see ourselves accurately, and the rigidity of those self-perception gets in the way of healthy relationships, satisfying connection, and successful goal pursuits.
Why do these clearly negative self-beliefs stick around when they’re not serving us? Our minds are naturally inclined to use simplified strategies to conserve mental energy and reduce cognitive load. This applies to existing ideas - they stick to our minds simply because our minds tend to accept them as reality as an automation hack.
In many ways this is adaptive and necessary (for example, when we have to make decisions without time to analyze the nitty-gritty), but this “cognitive miserliness” can lead to biases and errors in our thoughts and actions. Even when things happen that challenge and upend existing beliefs, we are likely to have selective memory and either conveniently forget that they occurred, or we discount their importance to the grand scheme of our lives.
Negative self-beliefs are hard to shake for two other major reasons.
First, because they’re so readily accessible. We are likely to quickly “classify” ourselves as being less capable, less worthy, or less lovable than others just because these thoughts have been with us and percolating for some time.
The second reason has to do with the brain’s self-confirmation bias. Going back to that “cognitive miserliness,” our brains prefer confirming an existing belief—even when it’s negative!—to creating a new one, so we are less likely to entertain a new idea or a new action that will change how we think about ourselves. We may even unconsciously seek evidence to further cement these existing unproductive beliefs. The influence of our self-concept goes beyond how we think about ourselves and impacts how we relate to others.
What’s more, people with insecure attachment styles and, relatedly, negative self-concepts, develop problematic attachment scripts which are rigid, inflexible rules about how they should respond to different situations and people in their lives.
When these scripts are followed, they create the disappointing results they’ve come to expect.
For example, if your self-beliefs tell you that you are unlovable, unworthy, and incapable, you may believe that no one can take care of your needs or that you don’t deserve good things in life. You may say, “I’m terrible at relationships, so why bother?” and subconsciously activate a script of detachment where you immerse yourself in solitude, work, or other ways of achieving a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Or, you may have a gnawing, persistent worry that your loved ones don’t care about you. You may have subconsciously activated a script of dependency where you may indiscriminately cling to any relationships, come on too strong, or ask for repeated reassurances that exhaust the people in your life with your emotional neediness. This creates a vicious cycle where your self-esteem is attached to how others respond to you.
ACTION TIP
So what can we do about this? One approach is to do a simple behavioral experiment. This involves acknowledging a specific rule that is related to a negative self-belief (for example, I won’t ask for help (rule) because I’m afraid people think I’m incompetent (self-belief)) and asking yourself if you can come up with a way to “test” whether this is actually true. For example, you can ask a coworker to help with a task at work and see whether they come to your aid and follow through. The key is to write down the rule and the negative self-belief, along with a prediction of what you think will happen. Once you do the experiment, write down what actually happened and whether a revised “rule” or “self-belief” would more accurately reflect your situation and your life. There’s more details about how to design and activate these behavioral experiments in my upcoming book, I explore how to develop your own self-concept, and how to achieve unconditional self-love and a meaningful, joyful life through practical tools and exercises. It’s available for pre-order now.
If you found this email helpful, I’d mean the world to me if you shared it with a friend.
Until next time,
Judy
Pre-Order here: https://bit.ly/3MvuvvF
About me:
Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.
Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.