What We Know About High Achievers
The Pros and Cons of Constantly Striving for the Next Goal
High achievers are people who consistently strive for excellence and excel in various aspects of life. They possess many admirable qualities that others look up to. In our hustle and bustle culture, it seems like the quintessential characteristic everyone wishes they had. But some high achievers might put too much stock into their achievements, to the point where their self-esteem is often predicated on what they do. When they reach a goal, they immediately start planning for their next striving. They can become prone to workaholism as their relationships fall to the wayside.
If this sounds like you, it’s possible that the roots of these behaviors come from an avoidant attachment style.
Think back: As a child, did you use achievements or accolades to get your parents, caregivers, and other important adults to pay attention to you and give you positive reinforcement. As a result, much of your self-concept becomes based on how much you can accomplish.
Rather than having a constant, internal sense of your value, you’ve come to believe that you’re only as worthwhile as your accomplishments are.
Over time, your self-worth can become so entangled in what you do, that you can’t stop doing. You might find yourself committing to even bigger personal and professional aspirations, often at the expense of important aspects of their lives—your health, friendships, family, and romantic relationships.
How do we keep the wonderful parts of being a high achiever without suffering the other consequences, and achieve balance in your self-concept and your life?
The answer is self-acceptance.
Self-criticism is the opposite of self-acceptance. By turning down the volume on that part of you who’s fixated on your next goal—harshly prodding you to do more, better, and faster—you can make room to see that you are worthwhile, lovable, and deserving of care from others even without any accomplishments.
There are no conditions required to give yourself grace, empathy, or compassion, no hoops to jump through before you can feel good about who you are.
Divesting yourself of the armor of your achievements can feel terrifying, but it is one of the most transformational opportunities for your healing.
Here’s a simple exercise to do just that.
Self-Acceptance Exercise
Find a comfortable place to sit.
Close your eyes and pay attention to your breath. (If thoughts pop into your head, gently guide your attention back to your breath.)
Once relaxed, think back to the first time you remember thinking or feeling that you need to achieve, to do something productive or constructive, or perhaps take on a responsibility that a child usually doesn’t take on, to feel safe, protected, and loved.
Turn your attention to the child (or younger) version of you in your memory. Ask your inner child how they felt having to do something to earn support and safety. Ask them to share their thoughts or feelings about what they think would happen if they didn’t do these things.
Once you identify this, read the following out loud:
Whatever you are feeling, my inner child, know that nothing you can do can increase or decrease your unique worthiness. You don’t need to prove your worth because you have worth just by being. Your worth does not depend on your achievements or others’ judgments. Your worth is not based on your degrees, titles, performance, wealth, actions, or the opinions of others. Despite your good qualities and your not-so-great qualities, you are no more or no less worthy than any other human. Your approval of yourself does not come from any external source – it comes from you. Unconditional self-acceptance means that you accept and celebrate yourself as a living human being. You can choose to accept yourself anytime of the day, at any moment, and even during difficult times.
Close your eyes and bring your attention back to your breath and feel the flow of air moving into your lungs and then back out into the world. With each exhale, release any negative self-talk, self-criticisms, and self-judgments. With each breath, tell yourself, “I am worthy just as I am. I am worthy of being happy.”
When you’re ready, take a few more deep breaths and then open your eyes and come back into the room.
Reflection
Write down one thing your adult self will do to show unconditional self-acceptance to yourself today. It might be an affirmation or you can simply give yourself permission to take a break from productive tasks to engage in a hobby.
Did this help?
I hope you found this helpful. If you did, please forward it along to a friend you think would benefit from this.
Here’s to your happiness,
Dr. Judy Ho
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About me:
Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.
Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.