The Five Love Languages and Your Attachment Style
How to show care and love for others (and yourself) in ways that will create the most impact.
February is a time for celebrating the impact of relationships—both romantic and platonic. It’s a month that reminds us that one of the most sacred things in our lives are the relationships we share with others.
At its core, attachment theory focuses on the emotional bond that forms between infants and their primary caregivers. This bond is critical for the infant's emotional and social development. These early experiences create templates for how we experience and interpret our social world and, by extension, how we take care of our needs and how much we value and believe in ourselves.
These attachment styles include:
Secure Attachment (What I call Connected Explorers). Those who are securely attached have a balanced relationship between their independence and intimacy with others. They’re not overly dependent on what others think of them. They can stay connected to people while pursuing their individual goals.
Avoidant Attachment (What I call Fiercely Independent). Those who are avoidantly attached end up relying on themselves as a form of protection. They fear depending on others, and they frequently chase achievements and praise rather than intimacy and relationships.
Anxious Attachment (What I call Worried Warriors). Those who are anxiously attached often seek validation, and are worried about rejection or abandonment. Their self-esteem can be easily impacted by what others say about them, both good and bad.
Disorganized Attachment (What I call Surveillance Specialists). Those who have a disorganized attachment style are often in a state of high alert, even when they don’t need to be. They can often worry that fear is around any corner.
Now, you’ve probably also heard of the five love languages:
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Acts of service
Gifts
Physical Touch
The five love languages were first conceived by Gary Chapman in his book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. These love languages can serve as a helpful framework for interacting with your partner. And in my experience, people with different attachment styles tend to prefer certain love languages. For example:
Those who are avoidant most prefer acts of service and receiving meaningful/thoughtful gifts.
Those who are anxious most prefer quality time and words of affirmation.
Those who are disorganized most prefer physical touch and quality time.
Those who are securely attached may prefer any number of love languages, but they seem to most appreciate words of affirmation and acts of service.
So, why do I share this on Valentine’s Day?
Understanding each other’s preferred love languages and how they connect to your attachment styles will help you each feel more seen and heard, strengthening the bedrock of your relationship.
The way I see it, each of the love languages are just another way of articulating different forms of intimacy—physical, emotional, intellectual, experiential, and spiritual. We don’t need all five forms of intimacy fulfilled by one person, but we need them fulfilled.
On this Valentine’s Day, I want to leave you some ideas on how to cultivate intimacy with those in your life. Here’s your challenge this week: Pick 3 people who are important your life, and based on what you think/know their attachment style is, do something for them/with them using one of their preferred love languages.
And some additional tips on creating meaningful and impactful intimacy to strengthen your connection with these individuals:
To cultivate physical intimacy, talk about comfort with different forms of physical touch. You might spend time hugging, holding hands, and kissing.
To cultivate emotional intimacy, use active listening and non judgmental stances to explore feelings and thoughts about deeper topics. Make the time to take care of each other’s emotional needs and clearly communicate your emotional needs.
To cultivate intellectual intimacy, have stimulating discussions about different topics and create safe zones to express different views. Show mutual respect for differing ideas, and adopt an attitude of curiosity toward differing ideas.
To cultivate experiential intimacy brainstorm, plan, and do activities of shared interest. Offer a meaningful contribution to someone by asking what they need and find a way to help them fulfill their necessities or goals.
To cultivate spiritual intimacy you want to feel close, validated, and safe sharing ideas about the meaning of life and purpose. You might pray or meditate together, or learn about each other’s spiritual practices and beliefs.
I hope these tools can help you strengthen and deepen the important relationships in your life. I encourage you to share them with your partner and set aside the time to discuss them. You both deserve all the happiness in the world!
Happy Valentine’s Day,
Judy
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About me:
Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., ABPP, ABPdN is a triple board certified and licensed Clinical and Forensic Neuropsychologist, a tenured Associate Professor at Pepperdine University, television and podcast host, and author of Stop Self-Sabotage. An avid researcher and a two-time recipient of the National Institute of Mental Health Services Research Award, Dr. Judy maintains a private practice where she specializes in comprehensive neuropsychological evaluations and expert witness work. She is often called on by the media as an expert psychologist and is also a sought after public speaker for universities, businesses, and organizations.
Dr. Judy received her bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Business Administration from UC Berkeley, and her masters and doctorate from SDSU/UCSD Joint Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology. She completed a National Institute of Mental Health sponsored fellowship at UCLA's Semel Institute.